Anger - The Loneliest Side of Grief

Anger towards everything. Anger towards everyone. Anger towards any inanimate object in your way or that won't work. Anger towards God. Anger towards self help grief books. Anger towards the one you lost. Anger towards yourself. Anger at the loneliness you feel.

One of the many phases of grief is anger. But not just any anger - more like rage. In my opinion, this is and has been the hardest phase or part of grief. There are many theories behind it, such as when the death of your loved one occurred you had no control, but by being angry you feel in control. Maybe? I think the anger stems from the frustration of missing someone. For me it feels that way at least. I get so frustrated to think about the whole situation and therefore I become angry out of sheer frustration. I am learning to work out my anger in many various ways. I work out by either doing a sport or just walking on a treadmill until I cannot go a minute longer. And sometimes by just good old fashion crying or writing in my journal until I get a hand cramp. Or screaming into my pillow until I have a sore throat. I also think anger hurts so much and is so frustrating because it is such a lonely emotion when you don't know exactly who or what to even be angry at.

The most important thing I have learned is that you cannot internalize it. It will eat away at your very core. If you ever want life to get back to good, then you have to work through the anger. You cannot ignore it - it will surface. And anger is a natural part of grief. And one that cannot be avoided.

The second most important thing I have learned is that it is okay to be angry at God. He can handle it. I look at anger towards God as a whole new level of love in fact. You have friends and family that sometimes you are angry with and you work that anger out with them and voila you become much more closer than before. Same instance with God. Anger is just part of most of our relationships. That anger towards Him will only bring you closer to Him if you work through it.

"God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears and light for the way."

What Gets You Out of Bed in the Morning?

When the morning alarm goes off each day, what gets you out of bed? Before your feet hit the floor what thoughts are running through your head? The busy day ahead, the many errands that need to be ran, the appointments scheduled for later that day and the ongoing to-do list.

I know the feeling. I do the exact same thing. Sometimes I wonder, if I didn't have all these things to do would I even get out of bed?

I would like to think that I would. With our busy lives there is one thing we forget to do and it is the one thing that should get us all out of bed each morning - to live our lives for Him. That is the most important thing on our to-do list and sometimes it runs last on the list. If you are blessed to wake the next morning it has to be for a reason or purpose. If there were no reason or purpose you might not have woken up?

With that I want to make it a point to wake up each morning with the Lord in mind and what His will for me is that day. I want to make that the number one priority on my to-do list. I think if we all were to do this the daunting tasks of the day ahead wouldn't seem so bad. We could find opportunity in the daily tasks to live for Him. Even if it is something as simple as thoughtful acts as opening the door for someone, or picking up something someone dropped, or letting a car in the line at the light. The acts are endless and those simple acts I do believe show the nature of Christianity. It is also kind of like that commercial (I think it is AllState or State Farm but can't remember) where one kind act witnessed by a bystander leads to another kind act by that bystander and on and on. To serve God and follow His will each day are what I want to get me out of the bed each morning.

Mistakes - Only One Doesn't Make Them

We all have said, "Wait, this must be some sort of mistake." I know I have and I know that this past year I have screamed it towards the sky at the top of my lungs. When you lose someone you truly love, the first two things you think are why and this must be a mistake. After months of soul searching and pondering it hit me one day like a ton of bricks - Addison's death was no mistake because God does not make mistakes.

When I realized this, I did feel more comforted, although I still asked why and sometimes still do. But when I came to the affirmative conclusion that God does not make mistakes I felt a sense of relief and it helped lift some of the resentment that I had been holding against God. The fact that He doesn't make mistakes sometimes can seem to be a hard pill to swallow, when we have so much disaster, worldly and personally, happening around us. But there are two things I know for certain, 1) we are not meant to understand everything in God's plans and 2) He does not make mistakes.

We are not in control of this world or this life and I am certain that He is and with that control He does not make mistakes. I found great words the other day written by William Cowper, "Judge not the Lord by feeble sense, but trust Him for His grace; behind a frowning providence, He hides a smiling face."

Five Balls of Life

From the book "Suzanne's Diary to Nicholas" by James Patterson

Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them - Work - Family - Health - Friends - Spirit, and you're keeping all of these in the air.

You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls -- family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered.

Personally I love this analogy and I don't think it could be more true. Work in our lives often can seem like the most important thing. But it is not. Our most cherished parts of live are and should be our Family, our Health, our Friends, and our Spirit. These aspects of our lives need more attention than work. To me, work is just a means to an end. The other parts are necessary for truly living.

Also I do truly believe that to find balance in life you must first have a unconditional close relationship with God. I find that when I cling closer to God, the other parts of my life like, worry, work, stress, etc. become smaller. As God grows larger in your life those other interferences become smaller. And you also begin to appreciate Family, Health, Friends and Spirit more because you realize all of those are gifts from Him.