Leading the Way

Dealing with grief is a battle that I fight personally every day. Grief for me has been a very hard learning experience. There is no map to navigate your way through it. For months after my loss, I tried to think my way through grief. This, I finally learned, does not work. My thoughts would play like a reel in my mind. I would find my self trying to answer the same questions over and over every day. Questions that had no answers. I was regurgitating the same questions over and over again until I would feel helpless. One day it just hit me. My head cannot lead the way through grief; it doesn't have those capabilities, but my heart does. The journey through grief then became more navigable. My heart doesn't hamper on the same unanswerable questions. My heart simply leads the way to through each emotion of grief, while my head follows. I made this decision a few months ago and I have had an easier time continuing to move through this time. It doesn't make the loss of a loved one any easier, it will just keep you traveling through this journey, instead of setting up camp there.

Anger - The Loneliest Side of Grief

Anger towards everything. Anger towards everyone. Anger towards any inanimate object in your way or that won't work. Anger towards God. Anger towards self help grief books. Anger towards the one you lost. Anger towards yourself. Anger at the loneliness you feel.

One of the many phases of grief is anger. But not just any anger - more like rage. In my opinion, this is and has been the hardest phase or part of grief. There are many theories behind it, such as when the death of your loved one occurred you had no control, but by being angry you feel in control. Maybe? I think the anger stems from the frustration of missing someone. For me it feels that way at least. I get so frustrated to think about the whole situation and therefore I become angry out of sheer frustration. I am learning to work out my anger in many various ways. I work out by either doing a sport or just walking on a treadmill until I cannot go a minute longer. And sometimes by just good old fashion crying or writing in my journal until I get a hand cramp. Or screaming into my pillow until I have a sore throat. I also think anger hurts so much and is so frustrating because it is such a lonely emotion when you don't know exactly who or what to even be angry at.

The most important thing I have learned is that you cannot internalize it. It will eat away at your very core. If you ever want life to get back to good, then you have to work through the anger. You cannot ignore it - it will surface. And anger is a natural part of grief. And one that cannot be avoided.

The second most important thing I have learned is that it is okay to be angry at God. He can handle it. I look at anger towards God as a whole new level of love in fact. You have friends and family that sometimes you are angry with and you work that anger out with them and voila you become much more closer than before. Same instance with God. Anger is just part of most of our relationships. That anger towards Him will only bring you closer to Him if you work through it.

"God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears and light for the way."

Evidence

Right now I am on a four day get away in Caneel Bay on St. John's US Virgin Islands. The beauty of the place is breathtaking and almost seems perfect. It is places such as these that you see the most beautiful pieces of "art" created by the hands of God.

If you ever need more evidence of His existence, places like these are all the proof you will ever need. I felt the same way when I went to Yellowstone a few years ago. There are places so unimaginable that you just know that God's hands sculpted the very beach, mountain, or forest you are gazing upon. And that is a feeling of surety as to his existence for me and no further evidence seems needed.

Sinner, Set Free

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." John 8:32

from In the Grip of Grace by Max Lucado

Think of it this way. Sin put you in prison. Sin locked you behind the bars of guilt and shame and deception and fear. Sin did nothing but shackle you to the wall of misery. Then Jesus came and paid your bail. He served your time; he satisfied the penalty and set you free. Christ died, and when you cast your lot with him, your old self died too. The only way to be set free from the prison of sin is to serve its penalty. In this case the penalty is death. Someone has to die, either you or a heaven-sent substitute. You cannot leave prison unless there is a death. But that death occurred on Calvary. And when Jesus died, you died to sin's claim on your life. You are free.

One Way Ticket?

Most of us think of life as a one way ticket. But as Christians our lives are actually a round trip ticket. We came from the One and will return to Him. Isn't that a great thought? Lots of people conceive this life as a one way ticket like the saying, "You only live once." Well, we only live on this Earth once.

Take a moment to think that wherever you are in your life, it is just a prelude, a blink even, to a new eternal beginning. We only live once on this Earth, but after death, our journey will just begin. We should make the most of this life, by preparing for our return to our Heavenly Father, where our round trip will be fulfilled.

Will of God

When I state the phrase, "Will of God", what is the first thing that comes to your mind? The death of a loved one, a natural disaster, the suffering from an incurable disease or a hard sacrafice. Most people will think of a dark thought in relation to God's will. Charles Allen in the book God's Physciatry states that, "Perhaps one cause is our Lord's prayer in Gethsemane, "Nevertheless not my will, but thine be done." (Luke 22:42). And from Jesus' surrender to God's will He was hung from the cross.

But what about the good, even great, wills of God? Sometimes we forget those. A sunrise is God's will. A sunset is God's will. We have far more of those than we do natural disasters. The will of God does not always need to be synonymous with the bad things that happen to us. His will needs to be also associated to the good that happens to us every single day. Simple things we take for granted as a good mood, a mild day, rain when we need it, and instead of death, the birth of a beautiful baby. The good in life is also God's will.

The Closer You Are to God

I truly believe that the closer you are to God, the smaller everything else seems.

God is everywhere, all the time. He is so massive that standing against anything and everything He overpowers them is size and stature.

As you grow closer to God, you realize that your fears, worries, obstacles and tragedies seem smaller because His presence, love, hope and grace overshadows those things.

If you cling to Him through the good and the bad of life - the good will be great and the bad will get better.

I often tell me people of a mental analogy I had when Addison died. In my head I would have this image of me drowning in this hurricane like sea of huge, crashing waves. An image of a raging sea of grief. But I also would see Jesus standing tall in that storm and holding me up out of the water. So I would see myself clinging to His arm. Now, I don't know why I kept seeing this in my mind, but I do know that it brought me more comfort than anything.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.
John 16:33 (KJV)

Remember Who You Are

My maternal grandmother told me on one million different occassions to "remember who you are." She would tell me this before leaving her house almost every time I was there. I still think of that statement a lot. I need to more often remember who I am. And I believe people would be more inclined to walk a better path if they would just ... remember who they are.

We have a head to think of ways to be thoughtful and mindful of others. We have a heart to love and care about others. We have arms to comfort each other. We have mouths to console with encouraging words.

Often times we use these things for quite the opposite: our head for thinking hateful thoughts, hearts that grow cold and heavy, arms to hit or push away and mouths that spill words that sting and hurt.

We have to remember who we are. We are the children of God.

Remember who you are. The more we understand who we are the more we will understand why we are.

What Gets You Out of Bed in the Morning?

When the morning alarm goes off each day, what gets you out of bed? Before your feet hit the floor what thoughts are running through your head? The busy day ahead, the many errands that need to be ran, the appointments scheduled for later that day and the ongoing to-do list.

I know the feeling. I do the exact same thing. Sometimes I wonder, if I didn't have all these things to do would I even get out of bed?

I would like to think that I would. With our busy lives there is one thing we forget to do and it is the one thing that should get us all out of bed each morning - to live our lives for Him. That is the most important thing on our to-do list and sometimes it runs last on the list. If you are blessed to wake the next morning it has to be for a reason or purpose. If there were no reason or purpose you might not have woken up?

With that I want to make it a point to wake up each morning with the Lord in mind and what His will for me is that day. I want to make that the number one priority on my to-do list. I think if we all were to do this the daunting tasks of the day ahead wouldn't seem so bad. We could find opportunity in the daily tasks to live for Him. Even if it is something as simple as thoughtful acts as opening the door for someone, or picking up something someone dropped, or letting a car in the line at the light. The acts are endless and those simple acts I do believe show the nature of Christianity. It is also kind of like that commercial (I think it is AllState or State Farm but can't remember) where one kind act witnessed by a bystander leads to another kind act by that bystander and on and on. To serve God and follow His will each day are what I want to get me out of the bed each morning.

Incomprehensible Love

I will be the first to admit, that I am not a huge fan of Christian music. I have found a few bands that I really like and some songs that I really like, but overall I listen to a bit of everything. I did however find one song in particular by Third Day that gives me chills. It is a song simply called "Love Song". Now I am sure this song is old and most of you probably already know it or have heard it, but it is new too me. The lyrics literally move me. I listen to it everyday, sometimes multiple times a day, because it reminds me of the unconditional and incomprehensible love Jesus has for us. And it is a love so strong we cannot even wrap our minds fully around it. The lyrics are below.


I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done.
I've never climbed the highest mountain
But I walked the hill of Calvary

Just to be with you, I'd do anything
There's no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I'd give anything
I would give my life away.

I've heard it said that a man would swim the ocean
Just to be with the one he loves
How may times has he broken that promise
It can never be done
I've never swam the deepest ocean
But I walked upon the raging sea

Just to be with you, I'd do anything
There's no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I'd give anything
I would give my life away.

I know that you don't understand
the fullness of My love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know that you don't realize
how much that I gave you
But I promise, I would do it all again.

Just to be with you, I've done everything
There's no price I did not pay
Just to be with you, I gave everything
Yes, I gave my life away.

Friend or Acquaintance?

I often consider my relationships in two categories: friend or acquaintance? An acquaintance is defined as personal knowledge or a person with whom one is acquainted. Friend is defined as one attached to another by respect or affection.

There are times when I run into casual acquaintances and we may talk for a moment and catch up and then not talk to one another again until our next happenstance encounter. A friend is usually someone you talk to everyday or multiple times a day, depend on, cry with, laugh with and cannot imagine life without.

I always try to keep Jesus my friend in my personal relationship with Him. I used to have Him as just an acquaintance where I called on Him when I really needed him after life just happened to run us into one another. But now that I am cognisant of the type of relationship I want to have with Him I make it a point to talk to Him everyday, multiple times a day, lean on Him when I can no longer stand and cry to Him. And with our friendship, which is one million times the relationship I have with my best of friends, I cannot imagine my life without Him.

In my walk with Him, I never again want to have Jesus as just my mere acquaintance. And He did in fact sacrifice the most ultimate gift for me and you. Is there a better friend you can have than that?

Fear Not Tomorrow

Most of us fear the unknown. Tomorrow is the unknown and we do not know what is in store. The fear of not knowing causes us to worry. We worry about not only tomorrow, but next week, next month and next year. But why do we worry so about the time ahead? I was browsing some books today and I saw the title of one that made me stop and think, it said, Fear Not Tomorrow God is Already There.

The title of the book was such a relief. Why do I fear tomorrow or the next day when God is already there? Is that not the greatest comfort of all? We forget that God is not bound by time as we are. He is not under the laws of time. God is already there tomorrow, next week, next month, next year and so on.

I want to not fear what the future of each new day holds. I want to give that worry to God. I know He can handle it! And now I realize that I cannot fear tomorrow because God is already there.

This concept reminds of a prayer that was sent to my family after Addison's death. It is a prayer I hold onto dearly because it sums up worrying about tomorrow in perfect words.

"Be at Peace"

Do not look forward in fear to the changes of life. Rather, look to them with full hope that as they arise, God, whose very own you are, will lead you safely through all things. And when you cannot stand it, God will carry you in His arms. Do not fear what may happen tomorrow. The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you today and every day. He will either shield you from suffering or will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.

- St. Francis de Sales

The Simple Things

The way my family first heard of the YFEC or the boys home that we founded Give Soles to serve, was at Christmas time when I was in high school. My dad went out there with a group of men from our church to bring Christmas presents. Before they ate and opened gifts, one of the men asked this little boy called "Whitey" to say a prayer. Dad will admit he thought this little boy was about to really brag on the church group bringing them gifts or for what his gift might be that he was about to open when he began to pray. Instead Whitey prayed this prayer, "Lord thank you for the roof over my head, thank you for a bed to sleep in so I don't have to sleep on the ground and for food to eat so I don't have to go hungry anymore. Amen."

My Dad was stunned and moved by this prayer. He tells this story often. Whitey said this simple prayer of thanks while having no family to care for him and while living in a boys home. As my dad likes to say about him, "He was as thankful as a prince in a castle." And it still moves me when my dad tells me the story that a little boy in Whitey's unfortunate circumstance could be so thankful.

How many prayers do we say before we remember to thank God for all the simple things in our lives? A roof over our heads, water at the turn of a knob, a bed to sleep in, and our choice of may different foods to eat.

I like to remember and think about Whitey's prayer. It reminds me that I need to thank God for the same simple things in my life that I feel so fortunate for and sometimes take for granted.

Thinking

"A man is what he thinks about all day long." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Scary thought. You are what you think about all day long. Reading this quote made me more aware of what I think about all day. Maybe it will do the same for you.

I found this quote in a book by Charles Allen called God's Psychiatry. It was referred to me by my grandmother and I highly recommend it. It examines the pattern of thinking and the Twenty Third Psalm.

Allen comments that if you recite the Psalm 23 throughout the day to yourself and not just reciting the words from memory, but by really meditating on the words and thinking about each passage that you can develop a new way of thinking. Thus, creating a new life.

He says the "power of this Psalm lies in the fact that it represents a positive, hopeful, faith approach to life".

I think we could all use that approach to life. I want that approach to life. So I am up for the challenge or "prescription" that Allen gives. I want to make it a point each day, multiple times of day to recite in my head and really think about each word in the 23rd Psalm. And maybe this post will inspire you to do the same.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures;

he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths

of righteousness for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow

of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;

thy rod and staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence

of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil;

my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all of

the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house

of the Lord for ever.

Stuck in the Mud

I have currently been reading a daily devotional book called "Walking with the Celtic Saints". The other day, one of the devotionals was about St. Patrick. History tells that St. Patrick as a youth was captured from his father's estate in Britain and taken to Ireland to be a shepherd-slave. Being a captive in a foreign land, he was lonely therefore he grew close to God. He did make his way back to Britain but returned to Ireland as a Christian missionary years later.

The devotional above recounts the story of St. Patrick during his mission days in Ireland walking through an Irish field. During his walk he noticed a shepherd-slave repairing part of a stone wall that had fallen into the mud where a section of it had collapsed. This reminded St. Patrick of his days of being enslaved himself and doing that same work and the loneliness that came with it. He went to where the slave was working and bent down and picked up a heavy stone from the mud and put into place. The slave looked confused wondering who this stranger was helping him do a slave's job.

Saint Patrick introduced himself and started to recite Psalm 40 as they both continued working. "Patiently I waited from the Lord; he bent down to me and listened to my cry. He raised me out of the miry pit, out of the mud and clay; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm footing. - Psalm 40". St. Patrick then told the slave about a God who was always there in all of life's ups and downs. He told the slave. "I was like one of these stones, fallen into the mud". Then St. Patrick picked up the final stone and set it in place and told the slave, "There are no lose stones with God. Each of us has a place. And it isn't in the mud."

The devotional goes on to say that we also face times of loneliness, sadness, depression, and anxiety. In desperation, we call on the Lord for help. We discover, perhaps to our amazement, that he is very near to us. We realize that he has never left us, even in times when we have forgotten all about him and believed there was no one there to help us. Our experiences bind us together in common humanity.

The Celtic monks were so passionate about the book of Psalms they memorized after chapter of it. Memorizing and applying God's written word brought them closer to God, not in an abstract, theological sense, but where it mattered most: in our daily lives.

St. Patrick not only experienced the loneliness of being a stone stuck in the mud; he also experienced the strong sheltering of God and saw God as a strong shield who was always there for him whenever he faced fear, sadness and anxiety. God's word was a constant reminder of this.

Sometimes our life circumstances seem to be so unfair or unfortunate that we forget that God does in fact have a place for each of us. Not only a place, but a path for us to take. When we are "stuck in the mud" we must remember that He will pull us out and help us get back on that path only if we accept His help. And He wants to help us. We will all fall into the mud at some point but the most important thing to remember is that we don't have to be stuck in the mud.

Mistakes - Only One Doesn't Make Them

We all have said, "Wait, this must be some sort of mistake." I know I have and I know that this past year I have screamed it towards the sky at the top of my lungs. When you lose someone you truly love, the first two things you think are why and this must be a mistake. After months of soul searching and pondering it hit me one day like a ton of bricks - Addison's death was no mistake because God does not make mistakes.

When I realized this, I did feel more comforted, although I still asked why and sometimes still do. But when I came to the affirmative conclusion that God does not make mistakes I felt a sense of relief and it helped lift some of the resentment that I had been holding against God. The fact that He doesn't make mistakes sometimes can seem to be a hard pill to swallow, when we have so much disaster, worldly and personally, happening around us. But there are two things I know for certain, 1) we are not meant to understand everything in God's plans and 2) He does not make mistakes.

We are not in control of this world or this life and I am certain that He is and with that control He does not make mistakes. I found great words the other day written by William Cowper, "Judge not the Lord by feeble sense, but trust Him for His grace; behind a frowning providence, He hides a smiling face."

Five Balls of Life

From the book "Suzanne's Diary to Nicholas" by James Patterson

Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them - Work - Family - Health - Friends - Spirit, and you're keeping all of these in the air.

You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls -- family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered.

Personally I love this analogy and I don't think it could be more true. Work in our lives often can seem like the most important thing. But it is not. Our most cherished parts of live are and should be our Family, our Health, our Friends, and our Spirit. These aspects of our lives need more attention than work. To me, work is just a means to an end. The other parts are necessary for truly living.

Also I do truly believe that to find balance in life you must first have a unconditional close relationship with God. I find that when I cling closer to God, the other parts of my life like, worry, work, stress, etc. become smaller. As God grows larger in your life those other interferences become smaller. And you also begin to appreciate Family, Health, Friends and Spirit more because you realize all of those are gifts from Him.

The Tide

Probably the best book that I have read during my grief process is a book called All Things Are Possible Through Prayer by Charles Allen. Chapter 8 is called "The Tide Will Come In". I have read this particular chapter many times since Addison's death and have found great comfort in it.

A month after Addison's death, my family decided to take our annual trip to Destin, Florida. We needed the get away as a family and the normalcy of it. Most of that week I spent sitting on the beach gazing at the ocean. The ocean and all its mass. My grief was so new at that time and I found comfort by looking at something so enormous and something so much larger than my grief. The idea that you get while gazing at it is that God is larger than that ocean. He made that ocean and He can command it. When you are staring at something so large it is almost overwhelming to think about. But in my experience it was comforting.

Months after our beach trip, I found the book referenced above. In reading Chapter 8 of it I found much comfort and still do. It parallels low and high tides with times in our lives. When the tide is low we, like a large boat, cannot move forward nor back with ease. The low tide blocks us from moving on, like a boat stuck on a sandbar.

My very lowest tide has been grief. Grief makes you feel stuck because the tide is so low there is nowhere you can go. But what Allen writes is "If the tide is low, there are times when all we can do is wait for the tide to come in." I found that statement brilliant. Grief is eased by time, it is a healer, albeit a slow one. But if you watch the ocean you see that the tide always comes in. At our lowest points in life, whether it is death, job loss, or any situation you have to remember the high tide will eventually come in and your boat will have enough water to move off of that sandbar. We have to learn to wait with patience. Wait for the high tide to come in. And as Allen sums up Chapter 8, "But in the waiting, we are certain the tide will rise, and because of that certainty we have faith and hope."

Wait for the tide to come in. God will bring it. Time and God will bring the tide and you will be able to move forward and sail your ship wherever He points it. Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the Lord.

And I would like to add to verse 22 and wait for the tide.

Love - No Greater Commandment

For the past couple of days I have been sort of reeling over a church I heard about on the news. The church is Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas. Their primary goal is to picket. They picket everything from soldier's funerals to the anniversary of the shootings at Virginia Tech. Why you might ask? Personally, I am not sure. But I did google them and I encourage you do so yourself because their actual official website address is so vile I don't even want to put it in blog. From what I can tell this church uses the mantra of hate instead of love. It has really bothered me. That sort of church is what gives us christians a very bad wrap. It upsets me because people who are on the fence about believing in God might see things about this church and blanket all churches and christians in that category. With that being said, I started researching the word love in the Bible. The word love is mentioned 310 times in KJ version and 531 times in the NIV version. Searching the word also lead me to one of the most important verses in the Bible spoken by Jesus himself.

When a teacher of law asked Jesus what the most important commandment was Jesus replied, ""The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:29-31.

God is love. And as christians we are commanded to love Him and our neighbors. I admit the second one is hard sometimes. I get so mad or frustrated with people, for example like while driving on the road, that I forget I am to "Love your neighbor as yourself." That is my new personal challenge. Every time I feel the urge to rant and rave over someone on the road, at the grocery store, in the line at Starbucks, or anywhere I am going to pray for an open heart to love my neighbor as myself. Max Lucado put it best, "He loves each one of us like there is only one of us to love." And I want to try and do the same.

The Valley of the Shadow of Death

At some point in our lives it is inevitable that we will have to walk through the valley of the shadow of death. It is a long journey through a valley that can overwhelm anyone with various emotions. What is important and what I have learned on my journey is that you have to walk. Although you have an extreme urge to run through it as fast as you can, you have to walk. If you run through it you will find that you have to start from the beginning over and over again. Sort of like a hamster wheel. If you walk and allow the grief process to be slow and run its course you will hopefully make your peace with God and grief and come out of the valley a new person who has learned to live life again. It won't be the same life ever again as before the journey, but it will be one that can be good again.

There is one thing I tell myself everyday about my walk through the valley of the shadow of death. It is just a shadow, a partial and temporary darkness. And the best thing about shadows - they move.

Leap of Faith

I learned how to take a true leap of faith this year. After the passing of my brother Addison, in July 09, I wanted desperately to do something to honor his memory. I thought of many various ideas and none of them really seemed to be right.

Then one night after many months of pondering and prayer I came up with Give Soles. The whole idea was based off one great memory of my brother giving his brand new school shoes to his best friend who only had old worn out ones to wear.I took that memory and ran with it. Now a little over a month after getting started, we have raised $10,000 to purchase new school shoes in August for economically disadvantaged kids. Our goal was to raise $3,000 and our success has been incredible.

God has a sense of humor. How you might ask? Because I felt a calling from Him to start a nonprofit organization during one of the worst economic times in this country's history. I admit I was worried. I did not know if we could raise any money during these hard times. But I had to follow my calling and walk out on that limb. And I couldn't be happier that I did. I put all my trust in Him and saw donations pour in despite the economy's situation. God is funny in that way. He challenges us in challenging times and sometimes we just have to take a leap of of faith.